7.7 Agonizing over life's questions and the spiritual encounter with Jesus

From the time I was a boy, I started agonizing over the fundamental questions of life. Who am I? Where am I from? What is the purpose of life? Will our life somehow continue after death? Does God really exist? Is God omnipotent or not? If God is all-powerful, why is it He cannot solve the problems of the world? Why is there so much suffering in the world?

Looking back, I remember how serious I was. I was at the point of deciding what to do with the rest of my life. At that crossroad, I knew that it would not be determined by human forces, but came to the conclusion that I had to make my decision in accordance with God's Will. I vividly remember the agonizing moments before embarking upon my life of faith. (211-135, 12/30/1990)

I had the most unusual experience when I was sixteen [fifteen by Western reckoning]. After long hours of tearful prayer in the morning at Easter time, Jesus Christ came to me in spirit and gave me many revelations and teachings. He shared many profound and amazing truths, particularly that God is in agony over the suffering of humanity, and He asked me to take on a very special mission for God, on earth.

It is so hard to describe my experiences as a youth. The spirit world opened and I could freely communicate with the saints of that world. In the quiet hills of North Korea, I came to meet Jesus Christ and conversed with him. The content of our conversation became the essential teachings of the Unification Principle.
When you see Jesus spiritually, does he smile at you with a happy face? Have you met Jesus? I have never met Jesus in such a way. He always appeared to me serious and sad. He has no choice. That is the only way he can feel because he knows God's situation so well. I am the same way, too. (120-119, 10/05/1982)

I was much younger than you are when I set out on this course, younger than twenty, very simple and innocent. I desired to possess objects of beauty and was ever curious about new things in my village, often to the point of obsession.
Yet, as soon as I embarked on the mission at that tender age, I found myself to be wanting in many ways to carry out such a great and serious mission. I painfully realized how grave was my responsibility and the need to have the requisite qualities inside and out. (156-106, 01/09/1966)

I was a young man when starting out on this course. Whether or not I would actually fulfill the great responsibility of the mission Jesus entrusted to me was a serious problem. I knew, too well, how strongly people like Noah, Abraham and Moses had desired to fulfill their God given missions.
Wise people keep hope for the future in their heart while passing through suffering. Foolish ones give up the future for immediate or present happiness. Do you think I came to a moment of decision regarding that kind of thing or not? You have but one chance to be young. Which road did I choose? I chose the wise man's road. (16-142, 01/09/1966)

God gave me the mission according to His own plan. Why did He do so? Well, you must ask that question to God directly. What I clearly understand is that the mission was given to me.

After having passed through so much suffering with so many unsolved problems, God came and knocked on my door, when I was but a boy. That was the time I began my course of finding God's Will. (120-281, 10/17/1982)

I did not begin my course by hearing someone speaking on the street, or having been inspired by some minister's sermon, or having been witnessed to by someone. What was the starting point of my course? It was God. (20-314, 07/14/1968)

When I began my course, I asked the question, "Does God exist?" Only after I was given a clear answer "that God actually existed" did I begin the course. Then I came to know that God in fact had His own hope. I asked Him, "Do you have hope, God?" I also asked, "God, do you need me?" I received the answer, "Yes." Then I asked, "How much do you need me?"
Passing through my teens and reaching my twenties, I agonized over many things in terms of my life of faith. I realized that I had to go to Japan and America someday. I wanted to experience persecution and discrimination as a member of a minority group. How much do you have to know about God? You must clearly know God's internal situation and the goal He wants to reach. Centering on those, I studied the scriptures of many religions including the Bible. (13-198, 03/15/1964)

It was my experiences as a sixteen-year-old that led me to know God. Over the next nine years, following that initial encounter, I came to live continually in the presence of God and Jesus. I experienced the spirit world so many times. Gradually, God revealed to me the amazing truth. It was like passing through the darkest night and the sun was finally rising in the horizon. I could see the first streak of light of the glorious new culture. The revelation I received then is now called "The Principle." God told me that I must spread that Principle to the end of the earth.

When you pray, you must do so until your back is bent and calluses have formed on your knees. I still bear those marks on my knees from the prayers of my past. You should pray on a wooden floor in tears. In praying, I usually shed so many tears. (25-332, 10/12/1969)

Knowing of countless souls perishing in despair, I prayed choked by tears. I could not even see the sunlight for the tears that poured forth unrelentingly whenever I prayed. That was how I came this far. (143-331, 03/21/1986)

In the prime of my youth, I used to pray up to seventeen to eighteen hours and not less than twelve, at a stretch, bent down and wailing. I usually skipped lunch. Otherwise, I could not have survived. All doors were closed and there was no way out. Only through such intense prayer, could I see the faintest ray of hope emanating from the smallest crack in heaven. Experiencing that kind of suffering and pain, I came to acquire a firm grasp of the Principle. (199-190, 02/16/1990)

There is a saying, "A tower built upon the foundation of sincerity will not topple." You must make good conditions for God, even to the point of feeling sick in your guts because of yearning for Him. If God could come to us, He would have done so directly a thousand times or more. Not having a physical body, God sent me instead to you. Based upon such circumstances and my motivation for being here, you cannot help but feel strongly attached to me. Why do you feel the way you do toward your teacher here? Even my thick winter clothes would be soaked through with my tears when I prayed. You should consider how heartbroken I must have been to be in such a state. I was so serious as to strike a bargain with God frequently with a knife in one hand. (60-208, 08/17/1972)